can't stop the signal

Tried to make a 99-cent purchase on iTunes today. My account got declined. I take that to mean that my family has completely drained my savings. Again. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to be responsible when there's nothing I can do to stop it. There's just nothing I can say to get the point across that this cannot keep happening. Fucking life...

I just don't know what to do. I don't even want to go home anymore. I don't know what to do.

I need a fucking hug. I want to sleep. I'm so tired of this.

It's not been one of my better weeks.

I'm rather irritated with people; my encounters with members of society have been less than pleasant lately. Not sure if I am the problem or if people are the problem, though it is likely a particular combination of both. Just having some issues with a group project, and then with various other groups of people, and really. There comes a point when enough is enough, and one just has to lock oneself in a room somewhere far away from the rest of the world.

And yet, at the same time, I'm extremely fond of my friends here. In fact, I'm extremely fond of my friends in general. As much as people in general are becoming too much, my friends are strangely not included, no matter how dark the mood. I appreciate that. I love my friends. Y el niño, claro está, lo amo también. Demo, él no necesita saber todavía; himitsu desu.

I'm also a little let down by the way things are looking for next year. AV is probably not an option, what with cutting back on the number of students allowed to return. Only five people out of all the upcoming juniors and seniors...it's really very unfair. The roommate and I have been living in this room for the past three years. We've been in the AV since we got here. I'm honestly very put out at being ejected from the AV, from our room on the second floor. This is home, really. Le sigh. Not to mention, what's going to happen to the band next year? It seems like a lot of things are just falling toward the unfamiliar. Like last year was our golden year, and it won't get back to that again. (Though I must admit that there is a marked improvement this year in at least one matter...)

Things are just being difficult this week. I've managed to stave off any bouts of depression for the last month and a half, though, so it's kind of a record there. Always have to relapse eventually, but it's honestly not as bad as it usually is. Which is interesting, methinks.

I am so sleepy.

Been busy lately, and haven't really had much chance to work on my stories. I miss writing for fun. Note to self: make more time for writing fiction. And don't take six classes again. Bad idea, that.

I kind of want it to snow, but I also know better. Snow is always pretty from this side of winter, but after the new year it gets to overstaying its welcome. Still, I kind of can't help it. Holiday mindset is creeping in my direction.

Think I'll go read for awhile. Then sleep-time. Goodnight, lj.

I've been thinking. I'm really weird. People make me nervous, and I don't necessarily like being touched, but I'm the type of person who needs touch. The hugging, hand-holding, cuddling kind of things, and the patting people on the head thing, and, I don't know, it's just strange to recognize in myself. It's weird. I'm weird.

Anyway.

It's been over a month with the boy so far. Haven't done anything too terribly stupid yet. At least, he hasn't told me to shove off and be weird elsewhere yet. Still afraid that I'm going to somehow screw this up, or that he's going to realize that I'm not that great and not worth the trouble. But...I don't know, I just really cannot explain how much I like him, which is strange for me, at least as far as writing goes. I'm usually good at explanations via the written word. I just like him so much, though, and I desperately do not want to mess this up. Sigh...

Okay, stop being like that. This entry is getting depressing. And it makes no sense for it to be, because things have been going well with this relationship, and I've been so happy. He makes me so happy. I'm just so uncertain of myself, is the thing, because I don't want to somehow mess this up. Freaking sigh.

School's been decent, I suppose. Still doing fairly well, but not as well as I usually do--I haven't been as dedicated to the academics as I always have been in the past. I guess this year's been busy in other respects, what with anime club and friends and the boy. The boy is very distracting. Everything is very distracting. My focus isn't quite what it used to be, and I probably need to rectify that.

It's roughly five in the morning. I need to get to sleep.

October has gone by again, which is sad, because I love October. I can feel the start of the holidays drifting in on the wind, though, with the late-autumn ice-tint and the inconstant chill. Holiday coffees are in at Starbucks, too, which always sort of messes with the seasonal spirit. I can wait for snow, though; I know that once it gets here and the magic wears off, it's going to be months before we're free of it again.

I feel very uncertain about so many things. Life is a state of constant change and decision. Disconcerting, really.

Should really go to sleep. Schedule's getting reversed again. I am nocturnal. Early morning makes you feel like there's no one else awake in the world. Untrue, of course, but still. It's an interesting feeling.

So scattered, this entry... I should go to bed. How soon is too soon?

I meant to do more writing than I did. I meant to read that story, too. And I have that art project to work on; things to add, plus the hieroglyphs to work out for that patch from Coming Forth by Day. And that other project. Tomorrow, I shall have to neglect more schoolwork so that I might work on other things.

But first, I must sleep.

Goodnight, lj.

It's October again. I love October, so much. Autumn is the most magically haunted time of the year, melancholy and beautiful about it, on fire in the cold. It always amazes me to think of how alive October can be when the world is dying everywhere, like the ghosts of everything are suddenly set free. Amazing, really.

I'm feeling a strange mixture of happiness and sadness, peculiar to the season, really. It's a unique feeling, and I like it. It's autumn in the air.

Hoping not to mess this up. I'm disastrous at interacting with people, particularly in regard to relationships, at least as far as my limited experience with such has indicated. But I really hope I can manage this one, because I really like him, and I really don't want to do anything stupid to screw things up. It's a rather delicate situation, I think.

Please let this work out.

I'm not certain how it got to be four in the morning already. I'm tired and cold, but October is drifting through the window, and I really like this boy, and all I can feel is that happy-sad feeling that echoes the season's living-dying. This is the most beautiful month of the year. It has a soul that is all its own.

Lights out, I still hear the rain,
These images that fill my head,
Now keep my fingers from making mistakes,
Tell my voice what it takes,
To speak up, speak up,
And keep my conscience clean when I wake

That...went well. Nothing exploded.

Nothing exploded?

I'm...happy.

Well, this is kind of strange.

In a good way.

Yes. Happy.

Hm. ^^

Me = freaking idiot.

I cannot even....just, trust me: idiot.

Goodnight, folks.

It always happens that my birthday sneaks up on me. I've gone and turned twenty, and I was still getting used to nineteen. It's bizarre to think that I'm not a something-teen anymore. Kind of a kick toward the real world, if you will. Another of those little reminders that I have to grow up. I remember turning ten very clearly. Even more clearly turning thirteen. Sixteen. Eighteen. All these strange little milestones. Now I'm twenty. Two decades, and damn, when did that happen?

I'm awake trying to finish my homework tonight so I don't have to do it on my birthday. Got a little distracted earlier in the evening by the antics of friends, so it's not quite finished yet. Getting there, though. Two more questions for women's history and I'll be heading to bed. Sleep is a good thing, I think. I still can't get over the weirdness of this birthday, though. I suppose it is somewhere between three and four a.m., though, and that's usually my pondering time. If I stay up this late, thoughts start to come to me from bizarre places. Sometimes they don't wait, though, like the revelation a couple weeks back that struck sometime around 7 in the evening. Usually, though, this is the time.

Now I'm blathering. Shouldn't I be doing homework?

I am rather tired.

Sometimes it's difficult for me to interpret the actions of others. I'm slightly socially impaired in that way. Of course, trying to interpret the actions of another individual of the socially-impaired variety is probably even more troublesome than interpreting a normalish person. Why do I do these things to myself? Really, it's some sort of lunacy. Why do I do these things? The last bit ended in such disaster. This one can't go much better. Boys will be boys, or so I hear.

No brooding. It's your damn birthday.

I'm finding women's history to be incredibly interesting, actually, despite my avoiding the homework for the moment. It's really the only class I've ever been told "excellent participation" in by the third week. Amazing, rather. I don't usually talk much, but I can't seem to shut the eff up in this class. The topics are just fascinating, and it's so different from other history classes I've taken. There's a whole new perspective on everything, and it's awesome. For once, I have to actively shut myself up so I don't come off as one of those douchebags who won't give anyone else a turn to speak. It's a strange feeling, but not entirely unwelcome.

I haven't decided if the same can be said for this whole turning-twenty thing. Still weird. Still not going to get used to it for a long time. I was still getting used to nineteen, and I really liked nineteen.

Damn, so much happens in a year, and yet it goes so fast. Sometimes I just don't know what to do with it all.

Anyway, I think I should finish my homework. Goodnight, lj.

Downtown, where I used to wander
Old enough to get there but too young to get inside
I would stand out on the sidewalk
Listen to the music playing every Friday night

Almost. I was almost tired enough to say something. Apparently sleepy-loopiness is nearly enough to manage with. Not quite, but you know. Almost.

It's been a good weekend, though. First ANO meeting was on Friday, and that went as well as I could've hoped for. We had a lot of people show up, anyway, which was good, and everyone seemed to be having fun. Then the first GAME meeting was today, too, though we had less people than I'd expected. Hm. We'll have to go hunting. Anyway, then there was Starbucks, and Ariel, Andy, Julie, and I hung out at the Union for awhile talking about random things. Turns out we'd been sitting next to a bible study group, too, which was kind of amusing considering the topic of most of our stories. Oops. On the way back, Ariel grabbed a bus stop sign that was just randomly lying next to the sidewalk, and we brought it back to Kreischer. I think we left it outside the Ashley building...I do like the idea of having a collapsible one, though. Imagine, if you will, an elevator.

Person #1: What are you doing here?
Person #2: Just waiting for the bus.

Classic. Then it was laundry day, though, so Ariel and I did laundry and then we hung out in Ronnie's room. Why? Cause. We were there for about two hours or so, and then I was there for an additional hour, hour and a half. Exceedingly random, but why the heck not? I think he finished all the immediately pressing GAME stuff, anyway. And we made fun of random infomercials.

I do need to do something about this sooner or later. Damn.

Anyway, I should likely get to sleep. It's ridiculously late for a school night.

Later.

It's been an eventful day.

Started out slow enough. Woke up late--lazy Sunday, you know the drill--and then headed into town with the roommate around three or so. Stopped by the hardware store for some art supplies for her classes this semester, browsed the aisles in one of the other little shops, then headed back up the main street toward campus. Ran into Ariel and Mandy and their friend by total and insane coincidence, then proceeded to tag along with them back into town only to find everything closed for the evening. Sunday, things close up early, you know the drill again. Headed to Taco Bell for a little dinner, headed back across campus for a change of pants after two of our number ran through a fountain, then headed back across campus again for some coffee in the Union. Then back to the dorm for some homework time.

Did the laundry. Did most of my homework. Lots of interesting reading, actually. Returned the borrowed ps2 controller. Retrieved laundry. Did some more homework.

Friends stopped by as they were doing their own laundry. Went with them to switch things out of the washer and into the dryer. Ended up talking in the hallway for about an hour with Ariel and Ronnie and Mandy, the last of whom showed up again after a long absence somehow pertaining to laundry. Then Ronnie left to do laundry and the rest of us plus Chris (who randomly appeared from the elevator) headed back to the room to watch Cady play video games and kill time for a half hour.

Why?

Because Cady decided that our new 24-hour Coldstone needed some 2 a.m. patronage. And she wanted very much for us to head off on our adventure at 2 a.m. precisely. So we dragged Chris and Ronnie along with us.

(Me: *knocks on the door*
Ronnie: I didn't think you were actually going to come back.
Me: Seriously? I said I would.
Ronnie: Why are we doing this?
Me: Because Cady wanted to.
Cady: It sounded like fun!
Ronnie: Those sound like famous last words to me...)

I might have paraphrased that a little.

Anyway. As we headed out into the great wide world, we noticed that there was zero traffic except for one rather ominous-looking bus, and we therefore darted across the streets in record time, which basically translates to, "we ambled along more or less in the middle of the road to avoid the sprinklers scattered about like land mines all over campus." Made it to the Coldstone, placed our orders like idiots. At one point Ronnie declared that he was "only here for decoration," yet I couldn't help but notice that he walked away with just as much ice cream as the rest of us. I'm pretty sure the employees were under the impression that we were a bunch of crazy people. Or possibly drunk, though I don't think we in all fairness could be said to have been slurring or off-balance at all. Ronnie was limping and Cady was sugar-high punch-drunk, but certainly not under the influence of much else besides a certain two-in-the-morning madness. We somehow managed to make it home again without incident.

Upon failing to either instruct me on the how-to or to put Cady in a sleeper hold himself, Ronnie took off to retrieve his laundry from the dryer and we all went our separate (ish) ways. Though we all live on the same floor of the same building, so the ways aren't as separate as they could be. In any event, we're all back in our own rooms now. Overall, a pointless and ridiculous excursion, but idiotically fun. For, you know, various reasons.

And just for the hell of it, I beat Ronnie to updating facebook status on the subject by four seconds. Pointless victory!

(I hate myself just a little tiny bit for not being able to say anything...freaking nonsensical. Roll your eyes with me.)

Now I'm crashing, though, so it might be wise to get to sleep. I have errands to run in the morning, anyway. Just had to preserve this little quest for posterity.

Goodnight, lj.

That icon amuses me.

Also, I'm so damn tired.

Gotta read, though, or I'll get behind in the reading and it will spiral vaguely downward until I am buried in books and failing everything. But I'm so sleepy. Bedtime? No.

Oh, it's my own fault. I went ice skating this evening with a group of friends instead of being a responsible student. But you know, I'm glad I went. I don't care; I'm allowed to have a life every once in awhile. I got to hang out and have fun with my friends instead of holing up in my room, and I also got to indulge my little delusions for awhile. :) Honestly, though, I'm being such a freaking girl. It's ridiculous. I'm probably coming off as a psychopath of some sort.

Seriously, though, something must be done. I can feel myself edging toward doing the non-cowardly but potentially disastrous thing, too. Madness. I'm afraid.

Someone should just tell me what to do. I am hopeless.

Don't feel like going to class tomorrow. I wish it were the weekend. Funny, I'm glad to be back at school, but my classes this semester don't interest me all that much. I'm filling a lot of requirements instead of taking courses I would have chosen on my own. Mostly I'm looking forward to anime-related things. And friend-related things. The two actually go together.

Okay, okay. I need to continue my reading. Fine, I surrender. Off I go.

Goodnight, lj.

First of all, I love this song. So much. I don't even know why.

Yesterday's move-in was the best move-in I've had yet. I was actually glad to be back to school. I think that it's partly because I wanted to get away from all the issues going on at home--probably won't head back too often this semester. I think it's also partly because there was someone (besides the roommate) already hanging out in my room when I got here. Still like him just as much as last semester. Ridiculous. He's a senior this year though, so I should really just make like Remus in part 23 of Shoebox Project and get on with it before I lose the chance. (Minus the waylaying in corridors, Frankly Largebottom, and cigarettes behind the broom shed. Well...then again, maybe I shouldn't discount the corridors just yet.) Isn't rejection supposed to be better than not knowing, though? That's what I hear in the movies, anyway. I'm not so sure it applies similarly to reality. After my last Hindenburg-esque crush and subsequent attempt, I'm a little wary of putting myself in that position again. Or, you know, a lot wary. Something along the lines of never-want-to-deal-with-those-emotions-ever, actually. Freaking destroyed my tiny bit of confidence. Honestly...

But I am hopeless, so odds are I'm going to do something stupid and get rejected and spend the semester alternately hiding and moping.

But odds are also that I'll just let him be the one that got away, again.

The odds are pretty even, actually. You might want to take bets.

Anyway, I guess the point I was heading toward before that little tangent was that I had a perfectly lovely Sunday, thank you very much. Even went for a walk. It was a nice night. Today started out similarly lovely, until classes. Bio was difficult to find, lit theory is going to be philosophy-heavy, and I'm not really sure about Japanese history just yet. Seems like it's going to be a smidge bit insane. Hopefully classes are better tomorrow, though it looks from the syllabus like I'm going to intensely dislike my poetry course. Bah. I can't wait for ANO and GAME to start up again, though. That's what I'm looking forward to this year.

I should probably get to bed so I can get up at a decent hour tomorrow, though. Got some reading to get going on. It's going to be a stressful semester.

I can feel it in the air.

We all know it's true.

But seriously. Life at home has been seriously screwed this summer. Family troubles, financial troubles, personal troubles...ye gods, it's a madhouse. I kind of want to go back to school, and how effed is that? Exactly.

It's just, my mom lost her job, my dad's not helping at all, we're in debt up to here and my mom's not even looking for a job or trying to get help, and she for some reason won't manage our finances with any seriousness, and she's already siphoned all of my money out of my bank account, and I'm just getting so tired of everything. Why do I have to be the adult in this? Why the hell should it be my responsibility to take care of all this? She just sits on the damn computer all day long. I know she's been depressed, but it's just...crap, this whole summer's been crap. It sucks, and I need to get the hell out of my house for awhile.

I haven't written anything in awhile, but I need to. My muse has gone on an extended vacation.

My family is driving me insane, not in a good way, not in a funny way. I'm just not in a very nice mood.

Scar was one of the more intelligent Disney villains. "Life's not fair, is it?"

Not particularly.

Just to note: this is a totally pointless entry about something idiotic that I swore I'd never worry so much over. I feel like a moron for posting it at all. Seriously. It's embarrassing. I'm being such a girl. Not in a good way.

You could totally walk away without reading this and be perfectly fine. I'm serious. It's about some guy. Uh-huh, that's how stupid it is. There is no reason to read this at all.

So, I'm dangerously close to doing something stupid in the next week.

There's this boy. And I'm kind of an idiot. And normally I'd say that no way in hell, I'm too shy, but I can feel myself considering it and I'm slightly concerned. Because if I tell him I'm interested, and he's not so cool with that, it's going to be hella awkward at anime everything next year. I just wish he would give me something to work with, here. I mean, for me I'm hinting a lot, so it would be effing lovely if he would give me some sort of indication that he's noticed or of what he thinks about the whole situation. He's just so difficult to read. He's always so composed. It's usually one of the things I like about him, but right now it's kind of annoying, because I just can't figure out what he's thinking.

I'm just not in the mood to get hurt again, is all. My sad excuse for a romantic history basically fails all over the place. Apparently it's always my fault, too, I don't know. Whatever. I just don't want to keep getting hurt. I need to find out if there's any chance that he could ever reciprocate my feelings before I get too attached again. I'm afraid to try, though. This whole thing is just...too complicated.

I really like him, I need to talk this out with someone, but I don't want to bother anyone. Roommate's sick of hearing about it, C's busy writing her senior thesis, mum's no help on this subject, and guess-who is mia yet again. I don't know what I'm doing. I wish I could figure out what he's thinking. Plus, he's a year older, and I don't have a lot of time if I'm actually going to make the attempt, because he's going to be a senior, and...I don't know. I just don't know. This is idiotic. I'm really close to saying something before summer, and I'm going to get hurt, I just know it. I don't want to get hurt again. It's going to happen, and I don't want it to. I just wish for once that something would go right.

It won't. I don't want to lie to myself. I don't want to hope, because hoping only makes it worse, I know that. So I won't. I'll behave. I'll just...I guess I'll do something stupid. And I guess I'll pay for it. And I guess I'll come back in the fall and pretend it's all okay. As usual.

I can't believe I wasted an entry on this. I'm really being stupid.

Today has been a relaxing day. Went to town with the roommate earlier to get some Taco Bell and ice cream, then came back and played (read as: got my butt kicked) in a fun-filled video game tournament that consisted of about eight people. Then caught up on three weeks of Dollhouse. Oh, Joss Whedon, you tricky bugger.

Now I'm watching The Prince of Egypt, which is still the best movie ever. I love it beyond any amount of reason. Someday, I'm going to Egypt. Someday. But I truly love this movie, the animation and the music, and the way that it just absolutely succeeds at capturing the human spirit within the characters. The relationship between Moses and Rameses makes the whole story so much more powerful than it would have been otherwise. Sigh. I will never get tired of watching this movie. <3

Hm. Think I might do some writing. I've got the time, for once.

Love this movie. ^^

Happy Passover, and happy Easter!

So, I was browsing through iTunes today, and I found out that the US store actually has two songs from the German version of Wicked available for purchase (which is cool, because I can't access the German store like I can the Japanese one). So I bought them, and I listened to them, and then I started listening to the original Wicked cast recording. Which I haven't done in quite awhile. I mean, sure, it comes up on shuffle, but that's not really the same thing as pulling up the soundtrack intentionally and going straight through.

It reminded me a lot of high school, actually, listening to it again. I used to listen to Wicked all the time around sophomore year, I think. I remember listening to it while I rode my bike in the summer, and I remember listening to it on the way to New York, and I remember listening to it that week I went to California by myself to see the Tutankhamen exhibit. I remember using the lyrics to make icons for my xanga, back when xanga was the thing and people still used it. I still use mine, sometimes. I miss it a bit. I actually miss a lot of stuff about high school, about the earlier years of high school. Not everything, certainly, but some things. Life has changed a lot since then. Which is part of life, yes, I know, etc etc, whatever. I know that change isn't all bad, but there are just things, like our tight-knit group of friends from back then, like the biker gang, like actually seeing people every day and knowing what was going on with them, like trading manga at school and doing crazy things just for fun and going for walks because we couldn't actually drive yet. And, I dunno, and not complaining about how home is so boring and we can't wait to get back to college to do crazy college stuff with our crazy college friends. Going to Canton used to be an adventure.

It's not that life is bad now, because it's not. In fact, a lot of the time, it's actually pretty fun. It's just so different. I guess I'm just reminiscing, and missing certain things. It happens every so often, doesn't it?

Sometimes it's nice to listen to Wicked again.

Title: Translations
Author: octoberspirit
Rating: Some sort of vaguely PGish rating, I'm sure.
Disclaimer: I cannot even begin to express just how much not mine we're talking, here.
Summary: In which House contemplates the meaning of ten small words and his best friend's affections.
A/N: I believe this to be a drabble that ran away and turned into something more around four hundred words than one hundred. It's still too short to really be a oneshot, though. I guess it's a snapshot? I don't know. "Drabbleshot" sounds too much like some convoluted alcoholic beverage, so that's out, but oh well. Call it what you will. But in any event, here--have some internal angst.

( Read things now. )

[venting]

I feel so stressed out. I haven't had a break in forever. Last week was so busy, with tests and papers and insanity of mass proportions. Then this weekend has been no better. Friday was anime club night, then Saturday was anime club sign/poster making for Animarathon from 2-8, so basically all day long. Then today was cookie baking for the ANO bake sale this week, followed by band practice/concert run-through for GAME, followed by a manditory Arts Village meeting. And I had to study kanji, study causatives, write an outline and intro paragraph, work on memorizing crap, blah blah blah homework. And I've still got to work out intros for the concert, and put together my panel for Animarathon, which is in less than a week. And there's set-up for that, and my friends can't figure out how they're getting here this weekend, and I've just got so much work to do that it's really insane. Plus, I forgot that scheduling is this week, so I have to meet with my advisor and then actually schedule classes for next semester. And I've got two papers coming up, plus a group assignment, plus god knows what else my teachers will drop on me, plus a Japanese test on Thursday. Plus, I've still got to get in seventy more points of RESC credit for Arts Village before the end of the effing semester.

And I'm sick, and I haven't slept more than a maximum of seven hours in the last week, and I won't be sleeping nearly that much this week, and I won't get to sleep this weekend because of the con, and I won't get to sleep the following week. I am just so tired and stressed and I want to curse out two of my professors and then go blockade the door of my dorm, turn off the phones, and take a marathon nap for the rest of the week.

Sleeping also has the added bonus of not letting me be lonely or pissed off. Even though Animarathon is crazy, at least when I'm with the anime club people it's not lonely. I'm sad that so many of my friends are leaving at the end of this semester or the year after. And I'm sad that...nevermind. Not on a public post. I think she reads this sometimes. Though, maybe I overestimate by saying that.

It's just so busy. I've actually gotten more sick over the weekend than I've been all week, so I'm tired and sniffley and coughing and stressed out by everything. I guess I just feel like so much of school is so trivial, because it's more about getting points and grades than actually learning just to learn, and I don't have time for busy-work when everything else is converging on this weekend. And I'm almost heading for a breakdown, which just wouldn't be a good thing at all.

Anyway. I'm just venting. Guess that's enough, though. Bye.

It's three in the morning and I'm in the midst of studying Japanese vocab. I meant to do it earlier, but fanfiction distracted me. It was a House/Wilson fic, very pretty, very well-written, very sad and very real. And very distracting. Damn homework.

It's late, and I need some sleep at least, so I won't be on here long. I dunno why I dropped by lj anyway, really, but oh well. I guess I'm just kind of lonely again. It's annoying, it happens a lot, but what to do. Maybe I'm just a moody person. She's sad, she's happy, she's sad again, blah blah whatevercakes. It runs in the family.

Vocab, vocab. Seki o suru...nyuuin suru...shujutsu o ukeru...

Got a box in the mail today. Among a few random other things, my mom sent me the single red penguin sock and the iPod charger cord that I left at home after break. I'm glad for both; the penguin socks were lonely without each other, and the iPod was just about to run out of power. Music is essential, music is life. Gotta have my music. Gotta have my socks.

Wow, I'm bizarre in the early hours of the morning. Kusuri...isha...taion...itai...

Anyway, not much to say. I should probably go to sleep sometime or another.

It was rainy today, which was nice. I like the rain. Byouki ni naru, naoru, netsu ga suru.

Studying. Being ridiculous. Going to sleep. Oyasumi nasai.

I've started to notice this bizarre little trend on youtube, in which the audio is being disabled because it has not been approved by something or another, blah blah copyright blah. Just recently it's started happening more often, so when you go to click on a fan-made music video, there stands a decent chance that you'll find yourself staring at a silent montage of clips rather than the audio/video sync you were looking for. I almost can't help but feel a little betrayed by the madness of the youtube crackdown ever since the Great Google Purchase; youtube used to be an insane wealth of creativity and music and awesome, and now you're lucky if you can maintain a playlist in its entirety from one day to the next.

It's not that I've got anything against copyright protection. As an amateur writer, I get the whole protecting-your-work bit; if someone were to steal my characters or my ideas, I'd be pretty heartbroken myself. But youtube isn't a case of people taking credit for making the music or writing the lyrics or trying to pass off the latest single as their own million-dollar idea. It isn't even illegal downloading. Hell, in most cases it's a fan-sync of clips to song, producing a music video centered around a show or a ship or a particular character. It's creativity at best and free advertising at least. I know that I've bought a number of songs from iTunes because I happened to hear them first in youtube videos. This makes money and promotes larger fanbases. Why on earth would you want to attack it? If I were in the music industry, I'd probably just grant my blessing via Creative Commons and be done with it. (And some artists do that! Some songs are given the go-ahead for fan projects and the like, which is awesome but unfortunately not all that creatively common.) [/yeah-nice-try-but-i-saw-that-bad-pun]

Dunno, maybe there's some concern that with the music available via Internet, people won't want to actually purchase it, but...I don't buy that. [/unintentional-bad-pun] See, people like to own their music, to be able to take it with them in the car, across campus, to the aquarium, dancing in the elevator... You get the idea. It's been tried before; some site at one point offered unlimited music listening with a monthly fee, and people just didn't go for it, because they didn't get to actually own the music. It was basically a music-rental. You can listen to it, but only sometimes. Kind of youtube-esque. Youtube might be the place to find music, but it's not a replacement for having the music all to yourself. I'd say that limewire and its friends are more of a threat to music purchasing than fricking amateur music videos. Not that I'm leading any battles against limewire. Different topic entirely, and no comment. *whistles*

Well, now that I've ranted for three whole paragraphs, I feel mildly dorkish. Go me. But I really should be studying for a lit exam in...about an hour and a half. Yeeeah, studying might be a grand idea. I'm going to go ahead and do that. Spring break doesn't last long enough anymore.

I'm out! Toodles.

I'm feeling kind of lonely today.

You want to know the really amusing bit? I think that this year, for once, I could have had at least something resembling a date for Valentine's Day. Of course, the guy in question is a little bit...well, I'm just not sure we'd really click properly; he seems kind of semi-stalkerish, but still. For once, it might have been nice. The thing is, until today itself, I actually preferred to be alone this weekend. I had plans for a nice, quiet day of reading and me-time, which is something I enjoy, but for some reason I can't shake this lonely feeling I've got.

I don't know what to do with myself. It's just not right. I have this issue where I pull away from contact with other people, but then it comes back at me later and I just don't know how to deal with it. I want to be able to find someone who can understand that I need my space a lot of the time, but also that there are times that I want to be with someone. I get no physical affection from anyone anymore, and sometimes I just want to cuddle. God, it's just this huge study in contradiction; I can't even figure myself out, so how is anyone else ever supposed to?

And then people around me keep getting engaged or getting together with people, and I've pretty much got zero dating experience and a near-crippling shyness. I am only nineteen; why should I feel like I'm losing time? Damn it. I've only been in one relationship ever, and we never went on dates, really, so I have no idea what I'm doing or attempting to do or even if I am attempting anything. God, I annoy myself; it's no wonder other people have no patience for my bullshit.

I'm impossible. Am I going to be alone forever?

And how does this damn greeting-card holiday always manage to make me feel like absolute crap?!

Fuck this shit; I'm going to go watch Dollhouse.